The Greatest Lease Agreement ever Written

As a follow up to my previous post about the 1985 Singlewide, my brother has decided to rent the "woodland cabins" across the creek. Take a look at this agreement. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.


Renter’s Agreement
The Owner hereby rents the rotted plywood shacks located “across the creek” at 711 East Coulter Creek Road for the period commencing on Oct. 1, 2006, and monthly thereafter until an awkward situation makes the arrangement inconvenient or unlivable for one or both parties, at which time this Agreement is terminated. Resident hereby agrees to the following terms:
Maintenance: To live without electricity and piped water. Resident will not string electrical cords over the creek from tree branch to tree branch and use them as zip-lines for buckets of water and/or personal waste. Resident will deposit only small amounts of garbage to the weekly collection of such, since garbage is bad for the planet, and will not display it in the front or backyard nor hide it in the Chemical Coop or outhouse. Resident understands that, yes, the outhouse is that pile of wood near the sinkhole known as Brooks’ Last Stand. Extra Visitors: To use said dwelling as living quarters only for 1 adult and not turn Owner’s property into rainbow gathering or patchouli pow-wow with extended visitations from friends and/or lovers in groups of three or more. While Resident is allowed to smell wild mint, read books in the treehouse overlooking the creek, sit in one spot for long periods of time observing woodland critters, and think, Resident understands that too many people engaged in such activities may lead to neighborly suspicion of Owner. Appliances: In the event the Resident uncovers an appliance in a nearby ravine, say, a stationary bike or front-loading dishwasher, Resident agrees to dispose of it and other found antiquities in the Belfair Dump, paying a small fee to the nice woman at the booth. Personal Property: The Owner shall not be liable for any loss of personal property, including loss of dogs in nearby ravine and/or burglary of food by bears, for smoke damage to lungs and/or personal photo albums from sticks of incense or wood burning stoves, for any accidental wounds to persons in or about the rented property resulting from water, rain, windstorm, or act of God. Pets: The Resident specifically understands and agrees: No dog poo on Owner’s side of the creek. Rent: To compensate for the above living conditions, Resident agrees to pay no rent for the first month and instead receive the sum of $1 from Owner. Failure to receive these funds may result in no compensation from the Owner, who is cheap and forgetful.
Personal Relations: Furthermore, Resident agrees to respect the Owner and not leave angry notes tacked to his door or throw rocks at him when he walks around half-naked on sunny, weekend mornings; to not enter his trailer unless invited for Holiday gatherings, real or imagined; to not attend the crazy high school parties down the street, however joyful they may sound. Resident agrees to check the mail but to leave the Owner’s mail alone because walking to the box is his motivation to leave the house at least once a day, however sad that may be. Resident will not grow, smoke, or cook marijuana or other illegal substances alone or with Matt Funk or the Funk family, the neighbors. Resident will not smoke cigarettes on the property unless willing to offer one to the Owner. In the rare case such an offering may occur, Resident will not knock on the Owner’s trailer window while Owner is deep in thought but will croon a Negro Spiritual from a distance at such a volume as to gradually make Owner aware of Resident’s presence.

Default by Resident: I, the Resident, understand that the fourth wall is falling away from Rotted Plywood Shack #2, that my foot could fall through the floor, that the roof could cave in, that I may never be able to get rid of all the Maxim magazines. I understand that by living in the woods, I must trek through the woods, and that to trek through the woods, I must forage through wet plants and spiderwebs leaving cold spots of dew on my jeans and sticky strands of fiber in my hair. The swamp behind my cabins may become a stream; the stream in front of my cabins may become a river; I may become depressed. On my death bed, I may recall this time in my life as a low point. Nevertheless, I will respect the stately trees on the property as bleachers for choirs of birds, firm in their commitment to this place, aspiring towards the sky.
Acceptance and Rejection of Property: Resident accepts the condition of the property, waiving inspection of same by Owner and agrees to ignore all defects since there isn’t much but defects to ignore and/or notice, and notify Owner of any improvements made to the property. Resident accepts complete independence on one side of the creek and likes it that way, and acknowledges that the Owner, due to a long-cultivated aversion to manual labor, is unavailable to help with the hauling of materials across said creek. Legal Contract: Resident agrees that the security deposit shall be an unspoken trust and tenuous bond between the Owner and the Resident, and not just a one-time, non-refundable, financial gift. Resident understands that the Owner is, in reality, not the Owner of the Property but Steward of the Land, and that Resident is also Steward of the Land, agreeing to cherish and maintain it. Resident understands that the rotted plywood shacks are not considered “livable” by most American definitions of the word and that, despite such categorization, Resident wishes to make this an ethically and perhaps legally binding contract. Resident agrees to seek competent spiritual advice before signing this contract, if such advice is needed.
Accepted this _____ day of __________________20________At ________________________________________________ Resident ___________________________________________ Owner __________________________________________